Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Greatest Advice List

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The Greatest Advice List
Just when I was thinking, “You have gotta lighten up Lincoln!”, my friend Terry comes through with the greatest emails and things to make you smile.

Here goes – I apologize to the author and am willing to give you full credit – if you let me know.  The following came in a forwarded email and made me roll over in peals of laughter. This is totally about me and the way that I think!  Thanks Terry!
1.   Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. 
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.   Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.
And quickly.   It's rare..  You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two.  It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano……. Repeat.

4. Mashed potatoes,
Always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. 
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something good at a buffet, position yourself near it and don't budge.
Have as many frosted Christmas cookies or pralines in the shape and size of Santa as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies.
Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. If you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.  
When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

 10. If you don't feel stuffed when you leave the party, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a  journey to the grave with the  intention of arriving  safely in  an attractive and well preserved body
  Skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, booze in the other ,body thoroughly used up, totally worn out ……screaming "What a ride!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS & a healthy, prosperous New Year

~ Murray Lincoln ~
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