From the Desk of Murray Lincoln: ‘Elf-itis’ and the Horror of Grade Four’s Mrs. Stenner

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‘Elf-itis’ and the Horror of Grade Four’s Mrs. Stenner

I am starting to feel shades of ‘elf-it is’. No it doesn’t itch or hurt at all. It is just a rising feeling that I cannot get it done on time.

As the lady stood at the side of my table she was holding the Celtic Love Spoon that I had carved in her hand and then kind of shaking it at me. It felt a little like she was an old teacher I had a long time ago in public school and she was pointing her finger as she asked me the question… “Are sure it will be done by Christmas? When can you deliver it?”

It was comical in a way. The lady standing beside her was to be the recipient of the Celtic Love Spoon – a Christmas gift from her friend. It seemed odd that the one ordering it was standing beside the one that was receiving it – yet there was this need to give a gift and the delight of receiving it still intact.

I am still trying to figure out how these two ladies fit together. One lives far away and the other is local to our area. One is bossy and the other is compliant. Maybe one is the older and other is the younger sister? Maybe a rich friend and a poorer friend? Not that the Celtic Spoons are expensive but rather totally unique.

I think I saw the finger of that lady waving at me in my dreams last night… and I distinctly remember the feeling of a shiver going down my spine the way it did in Grade Four with Mrs. Stenner… shudder – it just hit me again.

Old Lady Stenner used to scream a lot. When she yelled at Bobbie, the funny guy and rascal in our Grade Four Class, we all giggled.

That one day when he wouldn’t listen she came after him from the front of the class and down his row of desks heading toward the back where he sat. We all froze, not knowing what was going on. Bobbie jumped up out of his seat and ran around the blackboard side of the room with Mrs. Stenner picking up speed around the back and following him. She was yelling at the top of her lungs for him to stop. He cleared the front of the desks and turned left toward her desk at which time we all cheered… making the teacher turn almost bright red in the face. Her old carcass couldn’t move like Bobbie moved – fast!

It was at the blackboard side of the room as she was slowing she picked up the Yardstick and two brushes. With her right arm fully back she quickly released a blackboard brush that whistled over my head and crashed into the geranium plants that she had along the windowsill. She missed Bobbie altogether. She was slower and louder now with the Yardstick swinging like her mighty sword. Bobbie continued around to the back and then up the middle of two rows of desks until he reached the front of the room near her desk. She saw the opportunity and lunged at him swinging the Yardstick. Like a flash he was out of the door and out of the school. We gave a small cheer for Bobbie, but suddenly we heard Mrs. Stenner addressing the remainder of her class to “BE QUIET! SIT STILL! I’ll be right back!” In a matter of seconds the Principal was standing in our room and starring at us.

Whoa – what a flash back today… all because the lady that waved the Love Spoon at me. That is too weird… I am older than the lady that held my carved spoon – but suddenly I was back in Grade Four again. Hokey Mokey!!!

I am more convinced that the brain is a truly remarkable organ. It stores unbelievable stuff for a long, long time. Yet at other times when I most need it my brain fails me. It did the same when I was young and in that Grade Four class.

After that episode with Bobbie in class I couldn’t answer her questions very well. She would look at me and point. Then I saw her mouth move, “Murray did you hear me? What did I say? Tell the class – now!” Sheesh I had been daydreaming and she had caught me. I wasn’t nearly as fast as Bobbie and I couldn’t leave school without my sister. I answered, “I don’t know. I wasn’t listening. I am sorry.” I remember her eyes and that almost evil victory stare at me.

Sheesh!!! Why in the dickens did I take the money for the Celtic Love Spoon that I now need to carve???

Yep – ‘Elf-it is real’. And I know that I’ve got it.

It is early morning at this moment… check the list…I still need to do these things…

- * Tat 8 more Angels

- * Complete the “Evangelairy” for the Catholic Church and deliver it Thursday

- * Make 8 more musical wooden spoons

- * Carve a rose

- * Deliver the walking stick that is now done

- * Carve 6 more Wands

- * Carve 25 more Fairy Doors

“I am listening Mrs. Stenner… I am really… NO not the brush… ahhhhhhaaahhhh!”

Wake up Murray… wake up…