Saturday, December 3, 2011

A 20 year old young lady may meet her real father – Wow!

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Today’s Blog Post

A 20 year old young lady may meet her real father – Wow!

After 18 years a daughter and her father may be reunited. Wow! Can you imagine what this reunion will possibly be like? (You can read the Toronto Star Link below.)

However it is a reunion that will be one sided at this point in time. If my imagination is correct the young lady who is about 20 years of age now likely has no idea that the story behind this possible reunion is true or not. She likely has a different name which her real mother gave her at an early age, when that real mother fled with her two year old.

The story behind it all is fuzzy at best. The father “lost” his daughter when a nasty custody battle went very bad and the mother ran away with her daughter. That was 18 years ago.

I am imagining things that took place behind the scenes with this story. Was there abuse involved? Was there substance abuse involved? Was the family on the father’s side of it all domineering and impossible to deal with?

My “Was there…?” and “What happened..?” questions are many. And my questions are based on what I have witnessed to date with people I have worked with over these past 35 years and for 49 years of my marriage.

The story is never one sided. There are two stories here for sure.

The one story that I read about now is the mother was arrested by the RCMP in Victoria BC based upon her crime of running away with her daughter – for whatever reason. And for whatever reason she is guilty because of doing something very stupid and illegal. And even if she had done something in her own eyes and thoughts that was for the best of her daughter, she is seen as the guilty one in all of this.

As I watched and listened to the video the father spoke casually of the report that was brought to him about this new turn of events in his life. It was not really the reaction that I would have expected. He had been informed by the police and perhaps by the Toronto Star who saw this as a “good story” to unveil to the world.

But my question is what about the feelings of all that involved? Don’t we have to consider what everyone must feel like?

There are at least one set of grandparents, maybe even two that knew there was a cute little granddaughter 18 years ago and then the little girl disappeared. If they are anything like I am they must have some pretty deep feelings at this point.

Now consider the possibility that the now 20 year old could potentially be a mother herself, there could be new grandkids that a part of the family has never seen. Can you imagine how they are feeling?

This first unanswered question that the RCMP have solved has only brought a million other questions that may not have good answers at all.

Oh I am not completely negative with my reactions – much could be very good and much will be answered for a young lady who has always wondered who her father was… and what he was really like. That one small stack of information will likely be a windfall of answers for her.

Now my TV mindset kicks into gear, did her dad ever remarry? If so, did he have more kids as well? Will these children and his new wife or partner be able to cope with the new revelations that are unfolding now?

Nothing is as simple as the story that the Newspaper writes about! Before everyone celebrates we all need to consider the possibilities of the further long range affects – ON EVERYONE!

I have friends who were adopted out and never knew their parents, specially their mother. In the mind’s eye of the public it would seem good to reunite the whole family. But in reality it may not be such a good idea at all.

I have other friends that have gone through the reuniting after their own parents are gone. The family was somehow “discovered” and the two sides were brought together. The reactions are many. And the answers are sometimes amazing. It is not all that bad.

My wife has gone through this part of the reuniting.

Through the death of her own father and the horrific reactions of part of her father’s siblings (one in particular), her mother made a huge decision to never allow her two daughters to have anything to do with their dad’s side of the family again. Ever!

The very large family was a loving one to say the least… except for one very mean and nasty aunt that brought about a lawsuit against my wife’s mom. The lawsuit stated that my mother-in-law’s cooking was so bad that it had caused the cancer that my father-in-law had died of. The judge tossed it out of court for the nonsense that it was.

But the judge couldn’t remove the hatred and hurt that my mother-in-law had felt at that horrible time in her life. Her husband who she loved had died from cancer, leaving her with her 9 and 7 ½ year old daughters to raise on her own. Her one time trusted sister-in-law tried to rip the girls away from her! Can you imagine the hate and the anger and the confusion and the all things family as they sat with in that final court that day?

There is a huge story behind this. After my mother-in-law passed away my wife and I together with her younger sister have been thrilled as we have met the lost relatives. Of the whole family there was still one Uncle and one Aunt still alive of the original 13 – but lots of cousins and cousins and cousins…

One of my wife’s cousins, a gal that was raised by the angry and lawsuit bearing mother(the aunt) was a classmate of mine in High School… and lives a short drive away from where we live now. We want to go see her and her husband soon.

A year or so before my wife and I married, her mother’s brother, who had stood with his sister that fateful day in court told me all of the story. I in turn told my wife to be. She had never heard that story or knew any part of why she never could see her dad’s parents or the rest of the family. The entire family was lost and no one knew why. At that time she was 20 years old.

So in reading the story today in the Star… thinking about this dad and daughter and the mom that ran with her little girl… there is far more to this story than a Newspaper columnist has caught.

The journey will be long and hard – no doubt. I pray that it will work out well. But I also wonder if this “arrest” is the best way. So many questions that swirl away in my mind… so many!

~ Murray Lincoln ~


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