PTSD – Part Two

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Blog Post for today…


PTSD – Part Two

As a result of the post yesterday Diane English replied with the following – thanks Diane….quote..
“This was an interesting article(referring the post of Oct 28, 2009) to read because you remind all of us that people can suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--or at least some of the symptoms, if not the full-fledged disorder--from so many other circumstances than we may be inclined to think about. Furthermore, explosive anger often can stem from untreated PTSD.

This clinical social worker, who happens to have a recently released book especially for couples impacted by PTSD, once worked as the Director of a Children's Church for an approximately 2000-member church.

As a social worker, I was concerned that this church had been too lax with regard to various things such as screening potential teachers. Indeed, they were putting the children at potential risk in several ways. However, as I put systems in place to essentially protect them from those who might take advantage of such an environment and do some children harm, I was amazed by how angry some members became. The minister and his wife had warned me that their church seemed to attract a number of angry people. Nevertheless, I didn't expect to be so quickly impacted by that anger. Maybe I should have taken more time to educate the members as to why I was attempting to do what I was trying to do? Perhaps they did not fully understand that there are people out there who will come into a church where they know others will try to be welcoming and accepting, and then they will pray upon their goodness? And those with mental health issues or personality disorders that allow them to do such things often can be quite charming.

Did they realize this, too?

Thus, while many of us might prefer to trust until we learn it does not make sense to do so, perhaps we should trust in God and no other—not until that trust is earned? By the way, I see this as quite different from living from a place of total distrust. But since sometimes you don’t get a second chance, it seems best to err on the side of caution. And frankly, shouldn’t the economic repercussions we’ve been experiencing around the world this past year or so demonstrate that Americans in particular essentially put their trust in people who were never worthy of it?” End quote

Though I have tried to connect the RCMP Officer or the Soldier’s PTSD to my ministerial experience – some will tend to say that it isn’t quite the same… because there is no blood and guts… no broken bodies… no pools of real blood.

My contention is that the horror that we as ministers have witnessed or been exposed to – with pressure being applied to your life in unseen ways by the majority of the congregation – it is JUST AS DEADLY in its impact on the emotional health and physical health of the Pastor.

There are no pools of blood or broken bodies… but tons of broken lives that drip emotional and spiritual blood all over the place – and spirits that were beyond mending… completely broken. They walked into my life to find safety, to find relief, to find a healing… then waited to see what I would do.

In one situation I was confronted with one very angry husband’s threats to kill his wife. She told me of his violence and I could plainly see there was no place for her to go. That night and for the next four nights my wife and I hid her away at our home so he, the good Christian, could not kill her.

He swarmed my office with daily visits looking for her… asking me to pray with him for her return home. I listened. But I lied to him everyday.

There was no woman’s shelter available in that place. Someone had to take a stand… and when it meant losing a good Christian, money giving person from our church – I made the choice. I lost of course. She went back to him and more beatings and threats. They left the church and “would never darken the doors of that place” again.

I couldn’t tell about what happened the next Sunday in my sermon. I repressed it. If I had spoken of it I would have been sued. I didn’t speak – simply bottled it up. Then when their friends asked why they had left the church… I couldn’t answer. People then blamed me for turning them off when they heard the man’s reply their questions… replies about how no one could or should ever trust me again!!!!

I saw the “blood” and heard the “explosions”… over and over again. No Bullets – No Bombs – just explosive lives.

Now I need to mention at the same four day period that she hid in our home – I also had to carry a family through the last minutes of their loved one dieing… and then to the funeral home for the arrangements… then the service and the deep agony that I cried at…too.

Then to add more weight to it all I prepare for a Wedding Rehearsal and conducted the Wedding Ceremony the next day… with the woman hiding out at our home.

Boom! Crash! Zap! Zip! Poof! Kaboom! Went my heart, my emotions, my physical…

For weeks afterwards I cried a lot.. I wanted to scream but no one would listen… and I prepared more sermons… to encourage more people with my shinning countenance on every Sunday Morning… and while doing that the Dear OLD Saints crossed their arms, glared at me because I didn’t sing THEIR SONGS… and threatened to stop giving their money if something wasn’t done about this PASTOR!!! – ME!!!!!

I wanted to scream like the RCMP Officer stated it – “JUST LEAVE ME ALONE… ! You can all go to a really hot place that you won’t be returning from anytime too soon! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” But I didn’t – I prepared another Sermon for next Sunday and kept hoping that we would make our budget next month – paying our bills and my salary.

A friend of mine by the name of David left a comment yesterday on this Blog… Thanks David… it was right on. Quote…


“Yep, been there experienced that. And yet people still say serve the system. The noble thing to do is cover up and shut up. Hey, if people really knew, the offerings would take a dip. O my.” End quote

I don’t doubt for a minute that David, Diane and me are not any different than a 100,000 other Ministers that have been through it all. David and I know that PTSD is real for the poor Shepherd of the Flock as well as the Soldier and RCMP Officers out west now.

But in reality – none of us want to talk about it when we are in the Battle Field… and when we are home – who would understand or care about what you have gone through.

Brenda… wrote yesterday… quote
“I think you've touched a nerve here, Murray. Personally, I'm really sorry you've been impacted, hurt in such a strong way. It might be somewhat reassuring to know that for most of us in the congregation, we had no idea of all the "dark" things going on.

I certainly have painfully learned to put my Trust in God & be cautious as the above writer said--but you know my story--

I hope & pray today is a better day for you.” end quote…

Thanks Brenda – you are kind. I am sorry that the truth hurts… and that you feel so deeply. This is one reason the Shepherd NEVER says much. How will every one react if you ever told the truth.

All of us have been impacted by whatever hurt has been there. I just talk about it… where others can’t or won’t. How do you put that on a Resume? Who would hire you if you dare tell the truth? The answer is NOBODY!

I have healed a huge amount over the years. I do shudder when certain people appear out of no where in my life today. There are some very bad memories to say the least.

I have added humour to what I do. Humour is one of my healing ways for my own soul. I laugh a lot!

When I saw the individual the other day… I shuddered… and then began to GRIN from EAR TO EAR… “Thank God I am not married to that!” Then I laughed out loud!

Again – if there is just one Pastor that reads this and realizes that they are not the only one… that has lived through Hell and Back – while trying to do Heaven’s work… It will be worth it all!  But this also applies to any leadership - any where any time!


~ Murray Lincoln ~
http://www.murraylincoln.com/


Source:
RCMP note PTSD in their ranks
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/story/2009/10/27/rcmp-stress-leave.html  


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypervigilance  


Railway Spine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Railway_spine 
Interview with RCMP Officer
http://www.cbc.ca/video/news/player.html?clipid=1310616401