Are You Listening To Me – Can I Speak Now?

Since publishing yesterday’s post I have had a number of discussions with others about the uniqueness of what happened on Thursday at the “New Friends” group that we attended. The very first thing that each one saw was the close proximity of the group to each other. In fact it is amazing the number of people that noticed this factor.

The second powerful factor was that the seniors in the photos were animated in their engagement with each other. Each one was connected with another and then responding.

The norm in conducting many of the Senior Groups is to have one big circle with every one sitting side by side. The other way with very large groups is to sit in rows – “churchy style”.

AND we need to realize that people like this have always sat in rows or have been placed in large circles for activities. The “large circle” was so radically different from the norm of rows when it started out – that it attracted people.

But there is a problem with seniors and large circles. Can you guess what that might be?

What if your vision is very poor after all these years of living – and you can only see things up close. Placing the person in a very large circle will be equivalent to stranding blind person downtown… or in a busy room with no one to help.

Try it yourself. Sit in a larger room in your chair. Take some plastic wrap and wrap your head so that it will cover your eyes. With at least four levels making it possible for you to still see light but lose all understanding of form.

On Thursday afternoon one of my New Friends did something quite odd. At the end she stood and walked toward me, then came quite close. She reached out her hand and shook my hand, thanking me for coming with the others. Then she stood still for a moment, holding my hand as I talked with her. She stated, “Wow, so that is what you look like. You don’t look like the way that you sound!”

I felt at that moment like a Radio Announcer being discovered for the first time. He has voice that makes a mental image – big, deep and husky… yet he is only 135 pounds in weight.

Now add to the whole setting of a large circle – the fact that you cannot hear what is said when some one is so far away. You can’t hear because you can’t read their lips the way that you unconsciously have learned to do all of your life. And even with the best hearing aids they will leave you alone and out of it when you are in a large group.

On a personal side one other factor rises…
In a large circle or a large row sitting room – how do you know who the other people are? How will you know if you say something that might offend others? I hate speaking up about an issue when I don’t know the politics of the people beside me. I hate contributing anything when I might be shot down – just because I am “stupid”.

When my father was alive and very active he traveled with me. On one such trip he traveled with me to the Maritimes and Newfoundland. He always was meeting new people. I have mentioned that in another post – the Newfoundlanders that he met were very kind, nicknaming him “Skipper”. Everyone was open to him speaking with them.

But there was something that I knew about my dad, he hated large groups… and he would stay quiet in any setting that had a discussion in it. I just figured my dad was the quiet kind – yet in a way the fact that he said nothing made little or no sense when he interacted with people he met so well.

One evening as I was conducting the seminar that I was doing, I taught on “communication… encouragement… and support” for the children that we all worked with. The setting was a large one with many leaders of children’s group from that area. I talked and then we did an activity that required each person to tell a story to the whole group. Frightened and shaky they came to the front to speak. It was fun and easy to do – I thought.

After it was over my dad came up to me when I was packing up and made a statement that shook me.

“That was close to home tonight. Murray, what you talked about tonight sure hit home. You know that I don’t speak very well in a larger group. I have never done well speaking in front of people. What you said tonight made so much sense. Kids need to be encouraged. I am 62 years old and I am still afraid of speaking in front of people. When I was about 8 years old I was attending a small school in southern Saskatchewan. We were told that we each had to stand in front of the class and say the poem that we were to have memorized as homework. When my turn came I stood and walked to the front and tried to say my Poem. I was very embarrassed and faltered as I spoke. I started again and again but each time lost my words and kind of stuttered. I just couldn’t get it out…”

“The teacher looked at me with the rest of the students and in frustration she said, “Awe sit down… you will never be any good at that kind of thing anyway. I stumbled back to my small desk in that country school believing what she said… and I just never spoke in front of anyone again.”

It was 54 years later and my dad had relived the whole terrible scene about that terrible day.

On Thursday afternoon at the “New Friends” group I met another guy like my dad. He came in later than everyone else and sat toward the edge of the group. Then when I suggested the talking and story telling activity he was gone like a shot. He sat 35 feet away reading a newspaper – looking over it once in a while to see what we were still doing. Engaged from a distance – but watching carefully what he would be asked to do. Just like my dad…just like my dad.

Yesterday I spoke with a friend of mine that works for a government organization in Yorkton Saskatchewan. Her name is Lauretta. She shared how she took part in a special series of meetings that were held across the province. The facilitator had people sit in groups of no more than six people to discuss the topic and to give feed back. He trusted each small group to come up with an idea and share it. He was a wise facilitator.

Most government leaders and people of great importance – have a lot to say. It is a one way kind of process. “I am smarter on this topic than you are so you will listen.” is the usual understatement being made.

This person listened by getting people to talk.

The odd thing is that we rush through our lives watching people like my dad… knowing what they are like… but never hearing what they have to say…specially in large groups.

Then when they die we fuss and stew and sort and strain to find things about dad that we can say at his funeral…but we get some of it all mixed up when we say it.

What an odd statement on our highly developed society. We say we love them, yet we never hear them. We say we care, but we never talk to them. We appreciate them but never allow them a place to speak about what they know. What a strange world we live in… and I don’t really want that to happen to me.

Last Thursday afternoon… some one listened to 20 other someone-s and loved it….and they laughed and laughed and were animated and loved every minute of it.

One very simple thought... when no one else can hear me - or will talk to me - the cat loves me.

~ Murray Lincoln ~