Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Thanks to all of You

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Today’s Blog Post
Special Note: From time to time I have had assistants help publish on this Blog. Today it is Marion’s turn. She didn’t know she was about to become famous. Thanks Marion! BTW Marion has been celebrating in some beautiful places way down south where the germs and evil things all exist because of warmer weather.

She has been sitting in chairs where hundreds of people with bedbugs have sat. Chances are some are coming home with her to cold Ontario. She has had her suitcase open in her hotel room where the huge cockroaches walk around at night when she has been sleeping. And on that last day before they come home the most productive and most sexually active cockroach will climb into her suitcase and come back to Ontario. If they don’t make it the eggs that they laid in her underwear will.

She has also been walking barefoot on beaches of the south. From what I heard this past week on TV there is shot now that we need to get so that we would not be infected by Hepatitis A, B, C or Z. Z is the one that no one thinks about that not only destroys your liver but also your figure adding huge adipose tissue to the mid section, so much so that it is hard to get close to the table. I am pretty sure that Marion forgot to get that shot before she left here.

And as Marion reads this she is to be complimented for having the time to forward the email she sent me. She has had the time and sat close to a highly infected computer keyboard and used a mouse that was used by a half dozen impetigo infected Mexican migrant workers. And as she reads this her nose has been itching more and more.

Thanks Marion. You are a hoot and a help to me this morning!

~ Murray Lincoln ~

The following was forwarded to a few of us in Cold Ontario from Marion, in the warm south….

My Thanks to all of You

MY THANKS TO ALL OF YOU ...As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up a 10 cent coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


~ Murray Lincoln ~

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