Sans the Coffee Stir Stick…!

I resolve to stop holding a Coffee Stir Stick in my mouth – for ever more!

Really? Yep – never again will I ever walk out in public carrying the Coffee Stir Stick in my mouth!

No it is not a New Year’s Resolution. There is a good reason for that I am sure that you are waiting for it. Well here goes.

On Sunday we attended a local church service on Sunday Morning. I will not reveal the church’s whereabouts because that just might reveal the person(s) I am pointing to.

We arrived early to be sure that we were on time and also that we could get preferred seating. You know in a good place before the people that owned the seat arrived. They could then sit behind us and glare at the back of our heads – rather than sit beside us and stare side ways.

And they did. Their handshake was non committal sans a smile…

Sitting in that preferred seat two rows from the front and on the far right allowed us to see who was coming in and check out if we knew anyone. We didn’t so that was cool – sort of.

When about 25% of the locals had arrived – Mr. Cool walked in and took the seat in front of us. Dressed in his Sunday best and seemingly knowing everyone he walked by, he was talking loud enough for three rows each side to hear him.

“We are going to have to get after this church office next week. What’s wrong with them anyway… there is no church bulletin.” He gaffed at the guy behind us – the one I think that should have been sitting where we were sitting. As the talk went on over our heads – we were definitely not in the conversation… kind of like an obstruction in a stream. A Dumb place to sit.

The next person that came in asked if I had anyone sitting beside me. It appeared that we were sitting in far enough from the end of the pew to allow him to sit in his normal place. That was the last time we talked.

Mr. Cool immediately engaged him in dialogue. Mr. Cool was upset because “The Examiner” of Peterborough (one of our local newspapers) had dropped the colored comics from the paper. It was the first I had heard of it. Apparently Mr. Cool was a regular complainer to the Examiner and he would now sets things right this next week.

Conversation was flying over my head – and to my left hand side. But I wasn’t part of it.

Now all things being equal I would have jumped in – but I was a visitor at this church and didn’t really want to be thrown out on my ear for telling Mr. Cool – “You are nuts!”

The hardest part was Mr. Cool was real cool. He came down the aisle and slid into the pew in front of us with a Coffee Stir Stick from Tim Horton’s or McDonalds in his mouth. That’s right. Like a tooth pick being carried in the side of your mouth while thinking over the problem at hand. Mr. Cool’s stir stick stuck out… and wobbled up and down as he mouthed his words about NO BULLETIN and The EXAMINER and NO COMICS… Kind of looked like a Gear Shift – or Throttle Lever that was connected deep inside of him.

You couldn’t help but look at him. He was Mr. Cool.

As we sang songs and listened to music and did the churchy thing – he had removed the Coffee Stir Stick and placed it lovingly on his pew to his right side. Along with the Coffee Stir Stick was his Lip Balm – a small white tin with the words written on the top.

The men I know don’t carry Lip Balm and if they do they hide it after using it – not laying it on the pew beside them! Come on Mr. Cool… DUH!

Every time we stood he checked his Lip Balm and Coffee Stir Stick. Level – even – side by side… now sing.

When we were told to shake hands – his right hand was wet from the Coffee Stir Stick – YUK! So I did the little nod to him the way that Thailand People do to each – no hand touching. He looked oddly at me – thinking I am sure – “I don’t know this guy so he has to be weird” – then he shook hands with my mother…

When church was over he picked up his Lip Balm – applied a little with his left hand pinky… and then picked up his Coffee Stir Stick and connected it into his right cheek… began talking to people on the way out about church in general and what he was planning to do this week. I was even more convinced that the Coffee Stir Stick was connected to vital part inside of his being… making continued functioning possible.

Mr. Cool – you are so cool. You are well… a little weird… and you have helped me to never, ever do that nasty thing again. I mean – I owe you Mr. Cool. And if I ever do have to hold it in my mouth – it will be because I cannot open the door with the two coffees in my hands…

Now – the non-church attenders will be shaking their heads or laughing hysterically at what I wrote. But it is ALL TRUE. It REALLY happened.

You can be entertained in church. Come out and see… Mr. Cool may just be there someday.

Well Mr. Cool wasn’t the weirdest one we have ever seen sitting nearby.

In another church setting the pre-service wait was brought to a full stop for me as I frantically looked somewhere to avert my eyes. The lady two rows up from us, turned around looking for someone that she was expecting. She had turned around three times already – I kind of “knew her face by now”. While she looked back at us… she popped out her Upper Plate of teeth… looked at them… saw some food stuck in them and then licked it clean. Gag Me!

I did not shake her hand either… I just couldn’t.

I know that Jesus healed the Lepers and touched all kinds of people that were in very serious need… but I just couldn’t shake their hands.

Looking Back…
On Sunday I looked for someone that would smile and look at me… but no one did. They only talked to Mr. Cool.

I am going to let up on my resolve – for just one Sunday… when my wife isn’t with me that day. I am going to slip back into that church again, with a Coffee Stir Stick, pop it into my mouth just as I slip in beside Mr. Cool and talk to him making mine wiggle, and wobble more than his.

The new ministry that I have become involved in has taken us to faraway places and customs and cultures that I had no idea existed. Yikes – this missions work is down right scarry!

Here is laughing with you…

~ Murray Lincoln ~
Sans the Coffee Stir Stick…!