Today I offer this post with a lot of PRIDE. Bruce Lindsay is my son-in-law, Father of Two of My Grandkids... and he is one of the “Two of the Best Son-In-Laws in the business”. For that reason alone I can brag about Bruce!But there are two more things that you should know about him…
1.) As a Funeral Director – He is the Best Undertaker in the Business
and…
2.) As a Member of Toastmasters International – he is the 2008 Humour Speech Champion of Ontario.
Congratulations Bruce from all your In-Laws and the people that love you… you really are the BEST!
You can contact and congratulate him directly at bdcelindsay@gmail.com
~ Murray Lincoln ~ (alias – “Dad”)
November 2008
~ Murray Lincoln ~ (alias – “Dad”)
November 2008
Hello Readers –
This is just a note of thanks. From the comments that people made at church and elsewhere, I knew that this story touched a nerve and made people laugh. I used this as a speech with just a few changes and just won the Toastmasters Humour Speech Championship of Ontario. A long time dream of mine that has come true because of this blog.
Thank you readers and Murray (“Dad”)
Bruce Lindsay
2008 Humour Speech Champion of Ontario
Bruce Lindsay – The Best Undertaker in the Business
When arranging a funeral, one of the questions I must ask is; “What did the deceased do for a living? What was the occupation of the deceased?” Recently, I was arranging with a man, whose father had died. When I asked that question, his answer surprised me. He said, “Dad was a poultry apprehension technician, same as me, and the best in the business!”
I like that kind of talk. I thought, “I don’t know what a poultry apprehension technician is, but I know who I’m going to call if I ever need one!”
I AM THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS! And in this speech, I’m going to prove it to you.
You will need to call an Undertaker when a loved one has passed away. That Undertaker will lead you through one of the most painful, difficult times of your life. When it’s all said and done, you will probably feel grateful for that undertaker and even send a ‘Thank You’ card. That is, other Undertakers receive ‘Thank You’ cards. My families give me other stuff…
“What size are your feet Bruce? I’m guessing size 12? How’d you like old Dan’s rubber boots? He won’t be-needing them anymore.”
I say, “No, that’s really not necessary…”
“No, no! We want you to have them because, BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU ARE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS!”
I say, “Sure. I wear rubber boots… and I wear a size 44 suit…”
How do you like my new suit? Doesn’t it look marvellous?
Another benefit is flowers, free flowers, anytime I want. Families always give me their flowers to take home to my wife, and they always say: BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU’RE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS!
Now my wife doesn’t appreciate flowers the way she did before I became an undertaker.
Bruce Lindsay – The Best Undertaker in the Business
When arranging a funeral, one of the questions I must ask is; “What did the deceased do for a living? What was the occupation of the deceased?” Recently, I was arranging with a man, whose father had died. When I asked that question, his answer surprised me. He said, “Dad was a poultry apprehension technician, same as me, and the best in the business!”
I like that kind of talk. I thought, “I don’t know what a poultry apprehension technician is, but I know who I’m going to call if I ever need one!”
I AM THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS! And in this speech, I’m going to prove it to you.
You will need to call an Undertaker when a loved one has passed away. That Undertaker will lead you through one of the most painful, difficult times of your life. When it’s all said and done, you will probably feel grateful for that undertaker and even send a ‘Thank You’ card. That is, other Undertakers receive ‘Thank You’ cards. My families give me other stuff…
“What size are your feet Bruce? I’m guessing size 12? How’d you like old Dan’s rubber boots? He won’t be-needing them anymore.”
I say, “No, that’s really not necessary…”
“No, no! We want you to have them because, BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU ARE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS!”
I say, “Sure. I wear rubber boots… and I wear a size 44 suit…”
How do you like my new suit? Doesn’t it look marvellous?
Another benefit is flowers, free flowers, anytime I want. Families always give me their flowers to take home to my wife, and they always say: BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU’RE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS!
Now my wife doesn’t appreciate flowers the way she did before I became an undertaker.
My secret is that I promise BIG! And then I deliver on every promise. Take the body. Many people don’t believe an Undertaker can make a body look good. I can and I do! I make sure I know exactly how the person should look and then I deliver beyond anyone’s expectations. This leads to some interesting questions.
“Dad’s lost a lot of weight. Can you make him look heavier?” – “How’s 20 pounds?”
“Can you go 30?” – “30 it is!”
“Can you give mom a perm? – And make her look younger?” – Yes – and how’s 10 years?
“Dad looks kind of scruffy, can you shave his beard? – Of Course!
“Dad’s lost a lot of weight. Can you make him look heavier?” – “How’s 20 pounds?”
“Can you go 30?” – “30 it is!”
“Can you give mom a perm? – And make her look younger?” – Yes – and how’s 10 years?
“Dad looks kind of scruffy, can you shave his beard? – Of Course!
“Can you shave Mom’s moustache” – Yes!
“Can you make dad smile? – Yes, although I must tell you; it looks more- weird than you might think.
“Can you make Mom sit up and play the piano?” – Whoa! Hold on now! Just a minute, let’s not get crazy… What song?
When they see their loved one, they always say the same thing: BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU ARE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘You know other Undertakers who can make bodies look good and get free stuff. You’re wondering, what really sets me apart?’
I’ll tell you. It’s my compassion and my creativity.
I arranged a funeral for a woman, whose husband had died. She was filled with grief, of course. But even worse, she was worried that she couldn’t afford to have the kind of funeral that she wanted for her husband.
I helped her cut some corners, but still it seemed she was going to have to borrow money from her family to pay for the funeral, which she didn’t want to do. I walked her to her car, and there, she gave me her husband’s pillow.
“He always wanted this pillow to be buried with him.” She told me.
Now I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff. So this didn’t even register on my weird-o-meter. I took the pillow and said good bye.
The pillow itself was nothing special. It was old & flat & worn-out. Flat & worn-out like Paris Hilton’s Credit Card. One of my tricks, with an old pillow, is to unzip it and add some extra stuffing to make it look fluffy and comfortable. When I opened this pillow, I found money - CASH MONEY! Over $7000!
When the woman came back in, I sat her down and explained what I’d found. She was overcome with emotion.
“How could he do this to me? Why would he keep that money from me?”
I tried to calm her down. I said, “It’s your money. You can use it for a deposit on the funeral. It will practically pay the whole bill.”
She said, “That’s ridiculous! I can’t take that money. That’s HIS money! He must have felt that wherever he’s going - he’ll need that money.”
I thought about it for a moment. Then I said, “Why don’t you deposit the money in the bank and just write him a cheque?”
She stopped crying! She gave me a hug, and I bet you know what she said: -
“BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU ARE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS!”
You’d better believe it.
“Can you make dad smile? – Yes, although I must tell you; it looks more- weird than you might think.
“Can you make Mom sit up and play the piano?” – Whoa! Hold on now! Just a minute, let’s not get crazy… What song?
When they see their loved one, they always say the same thing: BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU ARE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘You know other Undertakers who can make bodies look good and get free stuff. You’re wondering, what really sets me apart?’
I’ll tell you. It’s my compassion and my creativity.
I arranged a funeral for a woman, whose husband had died. She was filled with grief, of course. But even worse, she was worried that she couldn’t afford to have the kind of funeral that she wanted for her husband.
I helped her cut some corners, but still it seemed she was going to have to borrow money from her family to pay for the funeral, which she didn’t want to do. I walked her to her car, and there, she gave me her husband’s pillow.
“He always wanted this pillow to be buried with him.” She told me.
Now I’ve seen a lot of weird stuff. So this didn’t even register on my weird-o-meter. I took the pillow and said good bye.
The pillow itself was nothing special. It was old & flat & worn-out. Flat & worn-out like Paris Hilton’s Credit Card. One of my tricks, with an old pillow, is to unzip it and add some extra stuffing to make it look fluffy and comfortable. When I opened this pillow, I found money - CASH MONEY! Over $7000!
When the woman came back in, I sat her down and explained what I’d found. She was overcome with emotion.
“How could he do this to me? Why would he keep that money from me?”
I tried to calm her down. I said, “It’s your money. You can use it for a deposit on the funeral. It will practically pay the whole bill.”
She said, “That’s ridiculous! I can’t take that money. That’s HIS money! He must have felt that wherever he’s going - he’ll need that money.”
I thought about it for a moment. Then I said, “Why don’t you deposit the money in the bank and just write him a cheque?”
She stopped crying! She gave me a hug, and I bet you know what she said: -
“BRUCE LINDSAY, YOU ARE THE BEST UNDERTAKER IN THE BUSINESS!”
You’d better believe it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Doug Lindsay, Bruce's Dad, was able to attend the Toastmaster Ontarion 2008 Humour Speech Competition of Ontario
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