The FIVE "Dis – es" – Maybe Even SIX

William Bridges, author of Transitions, states that there are four stages we go through when we experience “Loss”. He calls them the four cardinal aspects of the experience of loss – which are…
Disengagement – which is the separation from whatever it is that you have lost.
Disidentification – or the way that the loss destroys the old identity you had.
Disenchantment – which refers to the way that the loss tears you out of the old reality you accepted unthinkingly.
Disorientation – is how, as a result of losing the object of your feeling and the identity you had together and the reality you shared, you feel bewildered and lost

As I read these over and over, pondering the Losses that I have had in my life I was stunned. They made perfect sense. I placed them as a grid over a few of my losses over the years. I took out the loss from my memory banks and slipped these for words into the old experiences to see what would happen.

My Dad…
Dad had been a core of all our family happenings from my very beginning. He has always been there when I was a boy. He corrected us, stood with us, encouraged us and was simply a part of us. Life always included Dad. When I needed advice, even though it may have been in an area that he had never been in, I would run it by Dad. He would say something that made me think about my problem or task at hand, then it would make more sense. Or at other times he would conclude the sharing times, “Remember Murray, don’t be afraid to learn something new.” That one covered it all. It was one of those best advice thoughts that would never leave me.

Dad was there for 43 of my years. He was my help line, my counselor, my simple direction and my friend for 43 years. In 1987 that suddenly changed. He died suddenly with no warning. It was 9 months since I had personally seen him – but we had talked on the telephone often.

My brother summed it up for me at the funeral week in Regina. He was working on an Oil Rig in the far north and had taken three days to get home. He said, “Murray, have you thought of who you are going to call when you need some advice now that Dad is gone?” then his voice trailed off. It was the same for both of us. Dad had been a corner stone and he was now suddenly gone.

Disengagement – which is the separation from whatever it is that you have lost.
Disidentification – or the way that the loss destroys the old identity you had.
Disenchantment – which refers to the way that the loss tears you out of the old reality you accepted unthinkingly.
Disorientation – is how, as a result of losing the object of your feeling and the identity you had together and the reality you shared, you feel bewildered and lost

Man I was Disengaged, Disidentified, Disenchanted and Disoriented for months. He was gone and I was alone. I couldn’t even think of my mom, or brother and two sisters. I was dealing with this all by myself – they had to fight for themselves. What added to the mess in me was that my brother was in central B.C., my sister was in southern B.C. and the other sister was in the Yukon. My mom was in there home without Dad and without us.

With one whack the Four “Dis – es” had swept into an unprepared family and realities that had existed up to the point evaporated – POOF!

The Small Innismore School…
I had been attending this small school since kindergarten. The teachers were kind, soft and smelled different from my mom. Mrs. Adair had bangles on her arms – bright bracelets that kind of clunked together when she moved her arms. She wore lipstick and a tight wavy hair do. Her dresses were kind of big and flowed all around her. The colour of each dress was bright – later as I remembered her I thought of Hawaii. Mrs. Adair was my Kindergarten teacher, Grade One teacher and the Principal of the School. One other teacher was there to receive me into the Grade Two and then stay for my Grade Three class as well. I learned that I could really draw/create in this school and people loved it. They lit a fire in me that would never go out.

Then it was over. I was moved to the Haultain school – Kindergarten to Grade Eight. The Innismore School had only two class rooms and when you finished Grade Three it was time to move on to a bigger school.

It meant instead of walking two blocks to school – we had to walk about 12 blocks. To shorten the distance we would cut through the railroad yard – crossing over about twelve rows of tracks as this was the main shunting yard for the huge locomotives that frequented the rail yard. No thought of the dangers that we were facing each time we crossed the tracks – at all! Not even when the guy across the street had his leg cut off mid thigh when the rail car moved suddenly with a shunt.

My sister and I lasted a whole two years there – until the railway police caught us one day and forced Dad and Mom to make a decision to place us in another school – in a totally different community – even further from home. That move for me happened when I went to Thompson School from Grade Seven and Grade Eight.

Sounds easy doesn’t it – even adventurous? Nope it wasn’t! I was scared silly in Haultain School and my mom came to school over and over again as I was in the Nurse’s Office vomiting or with a feigned headache. The School was noisy and the kids were rough. It was a nightmare for a little boy from Innismore School.

Grade Seven was hard with my first Man Teacher. Grade Eight was more fun – then we messed that one up with a move to another community altogether – no more friends from Innismore.

Disengagement – which is the separation from whatever it is that you have lost.
Disidentification – or the way that the loss destroys the old identity you had.
Disenchantment – which refers to the way that the loss tears you out of the old reality you accepted unthinkingly.
Disorientation – is how, as a result of losing the object of your feeling and the identity you had together and the reality you shared, you feel bewildered and lost
…. All happened again and again….

The Four “Dis- es” were there again – over and over again in fact. Then with my work and ministry I have moved 15 Times – yes FIFTEEN TIMES. How many “Dis-es” have I had…? I was over whelmed when I looked back on the stress that was there – over and over and over again

But for the most part – I was excited about all 15 moves as they meant new and better opportunities for my family and ministries. But if you check with my wife and daughters they may see it differently. They are and were “Dis-ed” out I am sure! They were Disengaged, Disidentified, Disenchanted and Disoriented many times over!!!!!

But it doesn’t stop there. William Bridges shared how he felt after his wife died. He knew the Disengaged, Disidentified, Disenchanted and Disoriented stages well – he had authored these four steps.

His friend suggested that he may well add at least one more – maybe even two more “Dis-es” to his life before he came free of the “Four Dis-es”. One was “Disloyal” and the other was “Discovery”.

He shared how he worked through the Disloyal feeling stage as he started to become happy again after his wife died. Then he described what happened with the new Discovery stage.

Pause and Reflect on the NOW…
When you leave a job – like I did on June 22nd – after 34 years of being me – the Minister – and 10 years the Northview Pastor…there is Disengagement, Disidentification, Disenchantment and Disorientation – BIG TIME. Oh boy.

But in the more recent 10 years there were many friends and people that I ministered to that are left behind… as I walked from the building and pastorate. For a few the Disengagement, Disidentification, Disenchantment and Disorientation have been things they are working through.

If they fall in love with a new Pastor – they are Disloyal and the idea of a Discovery is way too soon.

Many of them are faithful readers of this Blog as well… this posting today is dedicated to their progress and future as well as mine.

I doubt that there has been another pastor that has stayed close and has catalogued the feelings the way that I have. Maybe if nothing else it will help others in the Pastoral – Ministerial Changes of Life… and their congregations as well.

They do not teach about Disengagement, Disidentification, Disenchantment and Disorientation – in Theological Schools. They only talk about “Discovery” and warn you about “Disloyal” – maybe that is why some are all screwed up with one or all the stages of the “Dis-es”. Hmmm?

~ Murray Lincoln ~

Recommended Reading - The Way of Transition by William Bridges