Saturday, November 7, 2009

Understanding this poor guy...

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Blog Post for today…

Understanding this poor guy...
So what’s with the Superman Photo/Costume – you crazy old fool!!? Let me explain…

A few weeks ago now our Ontario Government passed a new law that disallows anyone driving from using their “hand held anything”. It is for our own good I am sure. Many are distracted with what they are doing other than driving.

In an earlier post I mentioned some idiot friends of mine that regularly “Text” on their phones while driving full speed down the road. The part that drove me nuts was that I was in the vehicle with them – not driving!

Well lots has changed now since the new law. To our cell phone we have added a Blue Tooth ear piece so that if and when the phone rings I simply have to reach up and push the button on it – in the middle of my ear. To a cop it kind of looks like I am scratching my ear… but it is really me picking up the phone.

Now the fact that it nearly scares the beejeebbies out of me when the phone rings – RIGHT IN MY EAR – is another safety factor that the law didn’t count on.

To add to the humor of it all… only my daughters have my cell number(other than my wife) – and when she is with me – no one calls. To test it out I call my daughters, who are at work, and answer with, “What can I do for you Dad?” “Oh nothing I just needed to talk to someone as I was driving” is my reply.

Oops I forgot to tell you that the Blue Tooth thingie not only answers my cell phone call coming in, but it also calls out as well. When I need to I touch the button in the middle of my ear… the wee machine then gives a little bing bong… and the nice little lady inside that wee machine asks me if who I would like to call. I simply say, “Call Dana”, to which she asks, “Did you say, ‘Call Dana’, to which I reply, “Yes.” The wee little lady inside my ear canal then does her magic… the small tones then can be heard connecting me with my daughter.

I am not really sure if that wee lady is in the Blue Tooth… or in the Cell Phone in my pocket?!?!

Now some of you that are as old as and older than me can remember that busy-body woman in the rural town that was known as “Central”… and when you cranked the old phone box it woke her up to then connect you with the outside world. The one in my ear now does the same – only she is not big and fat like the other “Central” was… she can’t be… she is only ½ x ½ in size and that includes her casing!!! And if she is in my pocket I feel sorry for her!

“Aunt Bobbie” sent us an email yesterday with the following story in it. It totally sets up the rest of what I need to say about my new world… of gadgetry… small machines and my reactions.

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.”

What more can I say!?! I am now Superman! I have bifocals for my X-ray Vision, a super sensitive ear piece to let me hear anything – anywhere at anytime… so YES… the Photo is true!

~ Murray Lincoln ~

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