Whatever… by Bruce Lindsay

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Today’s Blog Post
Today’s Blog post is prepared by Bruce Lindsay. Each year Bruce has taken time to attend a special camp with the kids from his daughter’s school (and son’s before that). Today is part of his reflection of this past week.

Whatever…
By Bruce Lindsay

After spending a few days at Camp Kawartha in a cabin with six 11-year old boys this week, I’ve learned a few things that I wish I knew when I was that age, and a few things I wish I didn’t know.

This year, once the lights went out, instead of ghost stories (like every other year) the boys all wanted to talk about girls. It was all questions about what girl you like in school and if you are going to ask her out.

“Do you want to go out with me?” I didn’t know exactly what that means to an 11-year old boy or girl or what the boy expects to do if the girl says, “Yes.”

One boy had just broken up with a girl (‘dumped her’ in his words) because she couldn’t keep a promise. He told her he wanted to go out with her, but only if she promised to not tell anybody.

Of course the girl told her best friend, and on a school yard, that kind of secret travels like wildfire so it soon got back to the boy. He talked to her again and broke it off, because she didn’t keep it a secret.

Another boy talked about being ‘seriously’ in love with a girl. He asked her out and she said, “No”. He is thinking he will ask her out again next week. (Give him credit for not being a quitter.)

The boys asked me which one of them I would allow to go out with my daughter. “Tell the truth. We promise that it won’t hurt our feelings.” They said.

I told them the truth. None of them have anything to offer my daughter that she would be interested in. Two boys are great soccer players, and my daughter likes to play soccer with them. Another is a very funny guy who makes her laugh. But it is probably best to just leave it as it is; soccer friends and joking friends.

I left it at that. I didn’t say, “I think the other three of you are so immature that you have no business even thinking about talking to girls for at least ten years.”

The next morning I learned from a mom, who was in a cabin full of girls (including my daughter), that the girls were all talking about the same thing! She told me that one of the girls said she would go out with anyone! “Whoever asks me first.” Most others were more choosey. The mom told me that my daughter asked her if it was ‘normal’ for girls to be talking about this stuff in grade 5, because she didn’t think it was.

I spoke to my daughter the next day (one of her friends was there listening too). I told them about the boys and what is important to them. I said, "They don’t really want anything more than to be able to say they are going out with someone. They don’t really want to do anything with you. That is all a misunderstanding. They don’t want to talk to you or hold your hand or kiss you or anything.

"It’s also important to know that if there is anybody who teases them or bugs them; or if you begin to actually try to talk to him or hold his hand, he will quickly break up with you. It is nothing to him. In fact from listening to the boys, that is the best part of the whole process. It’s a big relief to have it over.

"They don’t necessarily want to hurt a girl’s feelings, so they tend to want to ask out girls they think are ‘airheads’ at this age. They think these girls are more likely to say ‘yes’ and less likely to get hurt feelings when they get dumped."

I told the girls that, "Your feelings could be hurt unless you understand. If a boy never asks you out, don’t worry, it’s because he respects you. He thinks you’re smart, probably smarter than him. Boys at this age don’t like that. Consider yourself lucky, you can be friends with the boys."

"If a boy asks you out, it probably means he is going to break up with you later that day or the next day. You might just want to say ‘no’. In that case, he might ask again the next week. Maybe he will ask somebody else. Saying ‘no’ should be easy. Don’t worry about his feelings.

"But, if you are concerned about his feelings, (I think my daughter would fall into this category) and a boy asks you out, a good answer is, “Whatever.” If your answer is “Whatever”, remember that you are now ‘going out’ with him. But it doesn’t mean you are going to see or talk to him any more than before, likely less. He will become nervous about looking at you and won’t know what to talk to you about. Actually, it’s a good way of getting a boy to stop bothering you. You might want to ask him out.

"When he comes to talk to you again, remember it is likely that he wants to break up with you. When he tells you he’s dumping you, again, a good answer is, “Whatever.” It shows that you were never really emotionally invested in that relationship. You don’t care that it’s over."

As I was talking, the crowd of girls began to grow. Most of the girls that were listening, I know, had no father or were from broken homes. They asked me questions. They had already noticed that it was more of the “dumb ones” (their words, not mine) that get asked out. They wondered why. They wondered if they should act dumb if they wanted to get asked out. They wondered why boys suddenly become mean. There were other questions that led in other directions too, some even dangerous directions.
I realize now, that this kind of father-daughter talk is something that is really lacking in families. Some frank explanation about what is happening and why was needed.

Some people might just shrug their shoulders and say, “It was ever thus.” They think that kids have to go through it and figure it out for themselves. They think that kids are not likely to listen to any explanation from a mature adult anyway. You try to get through to them and they’ll just say, “Whatever.”

But I think that I will put more thought into sharing with boys and girls the truth about what is really going on. As I explained this all to my wife, she said, “That’s exactly what happened to me! I didn’t know why no boys asked me out. I thought I was ugly or something. It made me become very shy. It was hard to make friends. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, boys especially.”

I’m trying to help my own daughter to relax around boys, be comfortable with her looks and her body. I hope she continues to play soccer with the boys – that’s how she learns to play rough and practice her fast footwork. I want her to continue to laugh with the funny guys and to make them laugh too. I don’t think she needs a boyfriend for long time, but I kind of expect that before long she’ll come home and say some boy asked her out, and she answered, “Whatever.”

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Final – End Note…
For those that don’t know… Bruce is my son-in-law. His daughter Emma is one of the most beautiful girls in the world… and there will likely be dozens of “Whatever”s spoken in the next 7 years before High School is cleared.

In fact when Emma decides it is time… she will be looking at a lot of “Whatever” and will ever have “Whoever” she wants. Watch out guys… you have no idea who or what you are dealing with!!! Fare warning!

~ Murray Lincoln ~
http://www.murraylincoln.com  /