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Today’s Blog Post
The Struggles of Finding Your Birth Parent or Adopted Out Child
I am not sure where to start in this story of a life adventure. Certainly each of the players in this account has a beginning, but which one do you tell about first?
I think the best place to start is with a baby boy named “John Richard” and on purpose I leave out his last name.
John Richard knew nothing of the world that he was about to enter on the 27th of August 1966. For nine months he had been riding along with his mommy as she possibly continued her education… the last 7 months for sure before she started to show too much.
As I think back to 1966, the year before we were married, it was different from now. If a girl became pregnant she was sent away to a home for unwed mothers.
In our own church organization we had a special home like this that the embarrassed family could place their pregnant teen. It was called “Bethel Home for Girls” – located where Shepherd Village is today in Toronto, Ontario.
When I moved to the Toronto area in about 1968, I first heard of the home… and knew some girls that were placed their.
I also knew of folk that went to that Home to start the possible adoption process for the new babies that were born. The Home set up the proper arrangements and operated under the Government guidelines to keep the two families isolated from each other. One group, that made an adoption business work well in the Christian church community, was entitled “Precious Jewels” and dealt primarily with Christian Families.
The good Christian Family, who had the pregnant teen and then the new grandbaby, could be assured that this little one was going to be or had been placed in a Good Christian Family – where they could find solace in knowing that it would be raised in the “right way” as he or she grew older.
The “right way” should have been to allow the young mom to take care of her own baby… but most Christians in 1966 were guided more by family shame and family anger. Some how their very stupid daughter had allowed that jerk to get messing around with her… now she was pregnant – WHAT WOULD PEOPLE THINK!!!?
Mommy gave up “John Richard” immediately after the birth. By his 4th day he arrived in his new home with his new mommy and daddy who began loving him. The new mommy and daddy had suffered through a number of miscarriages and had given up hope. Now with their new son they relaxed in their lives and you may have guessed it… at 3 ½ John Richard was there when his new baby brother was born to mommy and daddy.
Two years ago John Richard applied to the Ontario Government for information about his birth mother and the adoption process… with the idea in mind that maybe he could find her and the lost relationship that he had not had for 42 years.
Actually about 16 years ago he had also contacted the Government Depart that covered all the adoption processing, to request health information that would possibly have any possible side effects on having his own children.
Yesterday John Richard received the letter from the Ontario Government Registrar in Thunder Bay, Ont. In the letter was copies of his original Birth Certificate and his real name which was John Richard *******. It gave details of the area mom came from and a few other details… plus her real name.
When John Richard was 42 the rules of disclosure changed in our province. The adopted children and/or their first(real) parents could begin the process to possibly find one another … and that lost relationship.
You can only imagine here how many requests the Government was presented with. It took time.
John Richard is now 44 years old and a close friend of mine. In some ways I kind of adopted him as “my son” that I never had. I love and respect this guy a whole lot…
When John Richard contacted me yesterday he was in shock. He had no one to call because of a confusing family setup now… and he needed to tell someone. The best one to call on is “Friend/Dad”.
After John Richard told me, he walked out to a small park back of the place he works at and cried. In fact last night when we talked about the day he said that he probably cried more than four times during the day… or more likely he was crying all day... the manly thing is not show it!
Together on the Internet last night we found a High School Year book from his mom’s town. Looking at her year book, the photo on the page where her information is listed is gone. Maybe she wasn’t there the day they did the photos.
Under her name is listed “Active in Basketball, track and field. Plans: Queens U. for B. N. Sc. Fate: Nurse with Mrs.”
In that same year book I found the page for the Senior Basketball Team – and there on the front row, right side is John Richard’s mom, smiling, pretty, and taller than the rest.
John Richard is tall. His own kids are tall – and they love basketball.
In Ontario two years ago the rules were changed as I have mentioned. The adopted child and the real birth parents were given the right to apply for the information.
In John Richard’s case, so far, only he has applied. His mom has a life and John Richard was never apart of it.
When John Richard was born she was between her 12th and 13th year of high school in Ontario. An August baby delivery made it possible to return to school in a few weeks. His mom graduated in the Honours role from High School… she simple was an amazing young lady.
So why tell this story today?
I do have a hope that some how John Richard will find his mom. I hope that she is doing well… and not in some desolate rooming house with her life in shambles… or living on the streets. All of that is possible… as we all know. She may well be a University Professor now and about to retire… or maybe married to a Doctor… or a minister's wife... or a...
John Richard and I talked about the fact that he may have sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, and grandparents still alive.
John Richard has done very well in his life. He is more than successful. But with all that he has he will always have a hole in his “heart” where the real mom fits perfectly. That is my guess anyway… and I think that is where the tears that he spills come from.
As a minister for 35 years I have been with young moms that have had to relinquish their babies for one reason or another. The tears are not imaginable for the ordinary person. No one knows or really cares in 1966 how much the heart of a young mother was broken when she saw that little one taken away.
Today I tenderly share this as some other close friends of mine are the Mommies and Daddies that cried when they were young… as their baby was taken from them. Some have applied to find the lost “John Richards” – others cannot… just because their present family may not be able to handle the secret they have carried for 44 or more years.
To both John Richard and the parents of kids like this… I hope to say… we love you and support you in all that you do.
As a Christian Minister I stop to think of what God must be doing behind the scenes… to make it all right. He wasn’t ashamed of this young lady in 1966… and loved her anyway.
The rules that are in place will keep John Richard and his real mom separated… until they are ready. But the Internet simply opens doors wide, wide open…
I do hope they find each other… it would be so good… so very good!
~ Murray Lincoln ~
http://www.murraylincoln.com/
PS... Yes - this is the photo above of John Richard's mom... and if you are that special lady... you have a great son that has done very well. I know... I unofficially adopted him. He would love to meet you.
5 comments:
I think it unfair of you to post this young lady's photo.
It's not if She sees it, but if some-one else recognizes her---you have just given away her "secret" of many years ago.
Not Fair!!
It was posted at "John Richard's" request... reaching out to someone he doesn't know but that he loves... and would love to support and strengthen if he could.
I quote an email to me from a Parent... that went through procedure this with a baby that was given up...at birth...
Quote"Please Impress upon this young man that back then, we Moms were told we Had NO RIGHTS after the adoption--I wanted to buy a small Bond--something to give him from Me--but I was not allowed to.I was allowed to write a note to him, which I did, but given no guarantee that it would be given to him--it was totally up to the adopting parents.
With this mindset-the Finality was impressed upon me--I Had to put that in a safe place & get on with my life--not because I didn't care--but because I Had To.
John Richard needs to understand this.
I think the Gov't was totally unfair to us by changing the rules so many years down the road.We have Families Now--we Had to Block the other out.
What bothers me the most is that the child grows up feeling abandoned & that just isn't the case. The Best decision was made--hopefully for the child--at That Time.
Hope this young man can understand this.
Please understand that I don't feel abandoned at all. I was raised by loving adoptive parents and had every advantage possible. The success of my life speaks to that. The last thing I want to do is barge in on someone's new life. I've watched that happen with other similar situations in my family and it's not good. But what if reunion is healing and wonderful for everyone involved? I have to know.
Please understand that I don't feel abandoned at all. I was raised by loving adoptive parents and had every advantage. The success of my life speaks to that. I don't wish to barge in on someone's new life, wreaking havoc. I've seen that happen when there is no connection whatsoever and it's not pleasant to witness. But there is a whole in my life, something is missing, and I need to know?
I was adopted from Bethel Home in June of 1952. The Matron of the home was attending a PAOC conference and happened to be sitting beside my adopted Mother. This loving couple had wanted to have a child and could not. This opportunity to adopt a child was a blessing. My adopting Mother and a couple of her Pastor friends visited the home and 3 children were chosen and I was one of the lucky ones. My parents have now passed on and I have thought for a number of years about my birth mother. She would be 76 today as she was 16 when I was born. She was from rural Ontario in around the Owen Sound area.
I live in Manila Philippines and I just do not know how to begin the process with the Government. If any one can help me please feel free to email me at lorencei@gmail.com
My name is Lorence Robert Irvine. My adoptive parents were Rev. Wilfred and Reva Irvine.
Thank you.
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